My Recovery Journey - The Beginning of the End (1 of 4)

My Recovery Journey 

The Beginning of the End 

The party was well and truly over and had been for some time. How does an addict or alcoholic keep on going despite the lengthy list of reasons to STOP? My list of reasons to stop was ever-growing.

• Birth of my son
• Loss of family members to drug & alcohol addiction.
• Loss of friends to alcohol or drug addiction
• Getting married
• Losing my flat and living with a family member for a year.
• Growing up as a child of an alcoholic, seeing first-hand the devastation that this causes and yet inflicting this on my own family. 

Despite this list, I just couldn't let go. What I didn't know back then though, was that I had no control of whether I used or not. When the thought of using came, which it always did, it was soon followed by several days of substance abuse and intoxication, blanking out every other thought or feeling, until the drugs and booze ran out or my body couldn't take anymore.

I remember visiting 12 step fellowship meetings in my early 20's, and despite identifying with what people spoke about and the advice they kindly gave me, I still had too many reasons to use, and not enough to stop. You may have heard the phrase 'hitting rock bottom' by those who have experienced addiction, but unfortunately, this cannot be brought on by will power, the love of family, or the loss of everything external.

I remember the last day I used any mind or mood altering substances as if it was yesterday. I had been on it for 4 days and after the drug psychosis started to fade, I had a deep feeling that was overwhelming. It was of my son. I was certain to die if I couldn’t stop, and the thought of my son growing up without a dad, or even growing up with a parent in active addiction, as I had, finally brought it to an end. Some say that we can only recover from addiction if we do it for ourselves, but this is just not my experience.

As the tears streamed down my face, I knew this had emotionally broken me. Finally, I had reached my ‘rock bottom’, years of drug & alcohol addiction, and 10 years since my first attempt at 12 step fellowship, I was done.

Does this story resonate with you? Please leave a comment if it does. 

This blog is 1 of 4, with the next one covering ‘Early Sobriety’.