My Recovery Journey - Pushing Beyond My F.E.A.R.S (4 of 4)

My Recovery Journey  

 

My Fears  

During the step 4 personal inventory process in the 12-step programme, I realised that fear was one of the main drivers in my negative thinking, my lack of positive action, and one of the things holding me back from overcoming addiction and being the best version of me I could be.  I was fearful of everything:

• What other people thought of me?

• What the future had in store for me?

• Fear of being honest. What would people would think of me if they knew I was an addict or how I could possibly share my thinking, feelings, and behaviours, surely, they will think I am insane. No wonder the Doctors, Counsellors, Psychiatrists and Psychologists couldn’t help me, I couldn’t tell them the whole truth, just what my ego would allow me to say.

• Fear of failure. This is a big one for me. What would people think or say if I tried and failed

• Public speaking. I don’t even mean in large groups, anything above a few people terrified me. I could hardly say a word in fellowship meetings, so the thought of reading a card, sharing or chairing from a top table, was beyond comprehension. This would also play a significant role in the workplace. I struggled to hold meetings or present my work to people internal or external of my organisation, for the fear that what I was saying wasn’t good enough.

I could write a book on my fears, but this is a short blog and I’m sure you get the picture.

Fear is an emotional response to an actual threat, a fundamental survival mechanism that keeps us safe from harm. However, when I speak of fear, I mean F.E.A.R, an acronym for False Evidence Appearing Real. A fabrication created by my ego, that is NOT true and means there is NO immediate physical threat to me, or to anyone I know. Thankfully, through good sponsorship and guidance, I was able to identify what was real fear, and what was F.E.A.R.

Overcoming Fear

You see, nobody had ever told me that I wasn’t intelligent or good enough, this thought which I carried constantly was derived in my own thinking without any evidence to back it up. The 12 step programme of recovery, outlined in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, covers how to outgrow fear. A simple process of asking/praying for it to be removed by God, so he can demonstrate through me what he can do. What I tend to forget about this process, is that God will only do for me, what I cannot do for myself. I would simply ask for my fear to be removed, and yet it remained, so was I approaching this wrong? I think so. What I found most useful, was to ask God for the strength to face my fears, to overcome them to be of maximum use to my fellows. I believe this is what the book was actually asking me to do. Here are some of the results. 

Public Speaking – I was at my first convention, over 100 people in the room and my sponsor asked me to read a card from the front of the hall. I was shaking at the prospect but a quick, give me the strength God, and here I was able to do it. What followed was most surprising. From a nervous wreck in speaking in front of people, I became a confident speaker, sharing in the main room of a convention in front of 100+ people, chairing & sharing in meetings across the country, and in service positions. Can you believe that part of my working career is now holding meetings, delivering presentations, or speaking in front of large groups of my peers. People who know me, will notice that I put my hand up first to speak or present in a group, as I know this is the best way to overcome this fear from even getting started. It doesn’t stand a chance.      

      Education – This was a big one for me. It was about starting the process small but committing to continuous learning, I didn’t have to know it all in one day. I started with a 1-day short course and passed, followed by several other short courses before committing to a management level course. In a short 4 year period, I have acquired qualifications in Project Management, Inclusive Leadership, Quality Management, and writing this blog as part of my 3^rd year of Business School, part of a 4 year BA (Hons) Business Management degree. For more information in programmes for adult learners like me with little or no educational background, visit UWS Graduate Apprenticeship Programme. 

·       This list of overcoming F.E.A.R.S could be 100 pages long, as the impact covers every aspect of my life: relationships, friendships, work, education, parenthood, physical, mental & emotional wellbeing.

      Options for drug & alcohol recovery in Scotland

      For more information on drug & alcohol recovery, check out Cocaine Anonymous, Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, or for an alternative to 12 step fellowship programmes have a look at  SMART Recovery or blogs from  Sober Gal, or Recovery Blogs. There is also many social media support groups via Facebook - North Lanarkshire Recovery Community, Patchwork Recovery Group, South Lanarkshire Recovery Communities. 

Reader response

I am more interested in hearing from my readers if fear is holding them back? what fears they have? or how they have managed to overcome them? I am sure there is a host of amazing ways in which people approach this so PLEASE SHARE! This is just my personal experience. 

This is the final blog, 4 of 4. If you missed the first 3 blogs, you can read them below via my blogger account.